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Just Remembering
Apr. 25th, 2023 11:03 pmWas listening to a Sufjan Stevens song (It was 'Mystery of Love') and it made me think of a friend.
Or someone I used to know who I wish I jad been a better friend to. The lines "And I'm sorry I left, but it was for the best, though it never felt right" just struck a chord in me.
I think they were one of the best people I'd ever met, they realised a lot of things were wrong with me before I did. It's funny cuz in the end when I stopped talking to them (for like the third or fourth or fifth time but finally the last time this time ya know?) I definitely still cared about them. Hell, it 2as ehy I still kept trying. I knew I wasn't good, not really good enough for them, not healthy enough, kept hurting them, still hadn't processed certain things enough. Before, I had loved them enough to keep going back, but that time, I had finally left them enough to leave and make room for peace.
It's been a few years now, but if I'm being honest, I didn't start feeling any consistent "healing" until around the time I "left" for uni (still stuck in the same town but not having to be in the same house despite my uni being 5 minutes away changes everything tbh).
I knew back then if I stayed I wouldve continued making them sad and tired because I was still stuck in my feelings. I was trying, I really was, and I continue to try. Everytime I feel like I havent made progress or I'm not where I want to b3 I remember them and think about how I'm glad they aren't around to see me like this. At the end of the day, I made the decision I did because I was scared of repeating the cycle like I already had so many times before. I didn't want them to grow tired of me, and didn't want to keep hurting them with my lack of growth. Sometimes, out of nowhere, though it's been years, I think of them when I'm doing a little better, and the urge to reach out is just There.
I want to say thank you.
I want to tell them how much they helped me.
That their words in the past and their effort wasn't wasted.
That I've finally learned and unlearned some things, finally learned how to start healing.
This was definitely a journey I had to walk alone, or at least without them, but they are a big reason that I am still here.
And right now I miss them.
They probably dont remember, or even if they did, not in any way that's flattering. I don't care. I like the idea of them not remembering me when I migjt remember them forever.
It feels less embarrassing, for some reason.
To that person, though you'll never see this- thank you.
Thank you so much. You always were one of the best ones out there.
I hope you're thriving right now, wherever you are.
If anyone deserves it, it's you.
Or someone I used to know who I wish I jad been a better friend to. The lines "And I'm sorry I left, but it was for the best, though it never felt right" just struck a chord in me.
I think they were one of the best people I'd ever met, they realised a lot of things were wrong with me before I did. It's funny cuz in the end when I stopped talking to them (for like the third or fourth or fifth time but finally the last time this time ya know?) I definitely still cared about them. Hell, it 2as ehy I still kept trying. I knew I wasn't good, not really good enough for them, not healthy enough, kept hurting them, still hadn't processed certain things enough. Before, I had loved them enough to keep going back, but that time, I had finally left them enough to leave and make room for peace.
It's been a few years now, but if I'm being honest, I didn't start feeling any consistent "healing" until around the time I "left" for uni (still stuck in the same town but not having to be in the same house despite my uni being 5 minutes away changes everything tbh).
I knew back then if I stayed I wouldve continued making them sad and tired because I was still stuck in my feelings. I was trying, I really was, and I continue to try. Everytime I feel like I havent made progress or I'm not where I want to b3 I remember them and think about how I'm glad they aren't around to see me like this. At the end of the day, I made the decision I did because I was scared of repeating the cycle like I already had so many times before. I didn't want them to grow tired of me, and didn't want to keep hurting them with my lack of growth. Sometimes, out of nowhere, though it's been years, I think of them when I'm doing a little better, and the urge to reach out is just There.
I want to say thank you.
I want to tell them how much they helped me.
That their words in the past and their effort wasn't wasted.
That I've finally learned and unlearned some things, finally learned how to start healing.
This was definitely a journey I had to walk alone, or at least without them, but they are a big reason that I am still here.
And right now I miss them.
They probably dont remember, or even if they did, not in any way that's flattering. I don't care. I like the idea of them not remembering me when I migjt remember them forever.
It feels less embarrassing, for some reason.
To that person, though you'll never see this- thank you.
Thank you so much. You always were one of the best ones out there.
I hope you're thriving right now, wherever you are.
If anyone deserves it, it's you.
