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Today I Thought About : Money
Apr. 27th, 2023 11:46 pmToday I thought about how my mother told me she wouldn't be supporting me after this semester.
I have not been preparing or saving enough for that. I thought I'd have more time.
Even the money my grandparents have set aside for me will only last me until my 5th semester... I'm honestly quite anxious rn.
I know I'm way luckier than most, but there's something about suddenly being told this around the time my younger sister(he favourite child and the only one too good to be abused in my mother's eyes) starting uni too that's well- honestly I should've seen this coming.
My mother didn't even pay my first tuition fees. My grandmother did that.
Clothes? My grandfather did that.
My grandparents from both sides (my mother's and my father's side) are the reason I've made it this far tbh.
Idk how I'll manage.
I'm not allowed to take out loans, my mother's habits and lowkey financial abuse made it quite hard for me to save up but I still manage to save up quite a bit- it's still not enough.
That was through years of not eating in highschool (which was easy cuz I had a habit of not eating to lose weight back then) and hiding money so she couldn't take it.
My sisters are both going to Nottingham, technically one has already graduated from there and the other hopefully will get in this year. My mother supported my older sister financially through it. She's gonna do the same with my younger sister now, just not me.
I'm literally in the cheapest uni I could get into even then it was through help of my family. Not my mother of course.
Idk.
Im just.
So tired.
I feel like I'm never escaping this place.
I always told myself that if I'm not out of here by 27 I'd kill myself.... that might be way more of a possibility now more than ever.
Of course I'll try my hardest to do well and get a job after graduating and earn money on the side during my uni years but like if I am stoll stuck here by 27 I dont think I'd be a peaceful ghost I really hope not. I hope I finally get to haunt the narcissist that pushed me out of its cunt.
Though god probably "loves" her too much for that. He's iverlooked all her sins and never given her any consequences after all.
Guess that's why I'm an atheist now.
It is what it is I suppose.
Anyway-
Hopefully I'll have something better yo write about next time. Rn I'm still salty.
Eh maybe it's a chance and a sign yo lose weight.
I have not been preparing or saving enough for that. I thought I'd have more time.
Even the money my grandparents have set aside for me will only last me until my 5th semester... I'm honestly quite anxious rn.
I know I'm way luckier than most, but there's something about suddenly being told this around the time my younger sister(he favourite child and the only one too good to be abused in my mother's eyes) starting uni too that's well- honestly I should've seen this coming.
My mother didn't even pay my first tuition fees. My grandmother did that.
Clothes? My grandfather did that.
My grandparents from both sides (my mother's and my father's side) are the reason I've made it this far tbh.
Idk how I'll manage.
I'm not allowed to take out loans, my mother's habits and lowkey financial abuse made it quite hard for me to save up but I still manage to save up quite a bit- it's still not enough.
That was through years of not eating in highschool (which was easy cuz I had a habit of not eating to lose weight back then) and hiding money so she couldn't take it.
My sisters are both going to Nottingham, technically one has already graduated from there and the other hopefully will get in this year. My mother supported my older sister financially through it. She's gonna do the same with my younger sister now, just not me.
I'm literally in the cheapest uni I could get into even then it was through help of my family. Not my mother of course.
Idk.
Im just.
So tired.
I feel like I'm never escaping this place.
I always told myself that if I'm not out of here by 27 I'd kill myself.... that might be way more of a possibility now more than ever.
Of course I'll try my hardest to do well and get a job after graduating and earn money on the side during my uni years but like if I am stoll stuck here by 27 I dont think I'd be a peaceful ghost I really hope not. I hope I finally get to haunt the narcissist that pushed me out of its cunt.
Though god probably "loves" her too much for that. He's iverlooked all her sins and never given her any consequences after all.
Guess that's why I'm an atheist now.
It is what it is I suppose.
Anyway-
Hopefully I'll have something better yo write about next time. Rn I'm still salty.
Eh maybe it's a chance and a sign yo lose weight.
